Homophobe....?

Ok, so at the moment my life is a boiling pot of drama. I'm sure you want to know all about it, but to be honest I don't feel like talking about it anymore. I spent several hours getting everything out of my syetem last night so I think I'm ready to talk about something else. Too bad I don't really know what to talk about. Let's see here...due to recent events, I'm going to talk about being a homophobe. I went to the mall the other day and realized that I was surrounded by homosexual people. It was quite obvious to me...I seem to have gaydar or something. Anyways, I was surrounded by several people who were obvously gay. If you knew anything about my past life with gay people you would think(as did I) that I would be quite comfortable in such a situation. To my surprise it was the exact opposite. I don't know what it is, but lately gay people really annoy me. The level of discomfort has gotten higher. I guess my first experiance with a gay person was not a positive one in any way...but I chose to repress those feelings. Now I want to start over with a clean slate. I guess everyone should get a second chance. I'm lucky to be given mine. I feel that being homosexual is not a normal lifestyle. I strive to be the normal all american girl. I guess you always want what you never had because God knows there's nothing normal about my life. I can't say that I judge people who live the life...in my openion you do what you want to do...it's your life, and you have to live it. However, I'm learning that I don't have to live someone else's life with them. I never wanted to, but never felt that I had much of a choice. Now I know that I do. Of course I did realize all this at the early morning hour of...hmmm, about 3:30a.m. I still think it makes sense now. I'm finally getting everything I've ever dreamed about. A blank slate...a fresh start at life. This time I call the shots, and the outcome of every situation I'm in is up to me. Right now I choose to eat though, cause my stomach is talking to me...feel free to comment though...how do you feel about homophobia? Are you homophobic? Do you know why you are? Think about it and late me know!

My buddy/wonderful photographer took this of me...

It's me!! 

Ivan chaos

What the heck just happened today?? The storms a level 5 and we were told that classes were cancelled tomorrow and Thrusday. They will resume on Friday. Southern University campus looked like a ghost town when I left. Of course a few hours earlier everything was as normal as it could be. Except for the huge fight outside the dorm. Everyone out there was getting crunk though. I had a good old view from my window. I was bananas though. I heard it was like 3 fights in one. First the girls started fighting, then the first group of guys, then another group. I heard everyone was from New Orleans. Hmmm... Anyways, it's been a crazy past couple of days though. I was up kinda late last night...phone conversation! I love the phone, it's my best friend! Anyways it was about 3:30am when I got off the phone, and I had an 8:00 class the next morning so that wasn't easy. I pulled myself out of bed for that one though. Ths conversation was worth it looking back. I don't regret making that call at midnight. It put me in a great mood. Something that I really needed. I guess everyone just needs someone to talk to from time to time. I don't know what else to say...I guess words alone could not express the way I fee right now. Hmmm...ok, I can't do this anymore...I'm out!

Random Thoughts

-A relationship is a two way thing, in other words...Just because someone is good for me doesn't mean that I'm the best thing that ever happened to them.

-Do what's best for you in life, cause sometimes momma doesn't really know what's best.

-Be picky in who you get to know...they have cerial killers these days, so you can't really trust anyone.

-Speaking of trust...who can you trust these days?!?...NO ONE!!!!

-Don't let what other people are doing with their lives affect you.

-Be wise...use good judgement.

-Stay focused...as hard as that is sometimes.

-Remember what's really important in life.

-If you feel the need to cry...do it...make sure you wash your face and let no one know you are wounded.

-Hmmmmm

-Don't try to impress people with your personal belongings.

-Never try to hard to get people to like you...BE YOURSELF.

-...and if they don't like it then TOUGH!

-Let your heart guide you...you'll go far!

*THE END!!

...you never knew

Ever known one of those people that are so special to you, and you think you start to kinda like...A LOT...then when you finally get the courage to say something. It suddenly seems like a bad idea. Well this is about that kinda thing. Read and enjoy...

Sickness of the soul

Happiness only one knows

Self implosion

The walls cave inside me

I knew it was meant to be

Now I wonder who I am

Expecting such happiness

My life on the line

You had a certain control

And never could have known

At this moment I wonder

I'm lifeless like a withered plant

Because I became vulnerable

And you never knew

Can't pass the blame

So I'll keep this inside

All becasue you never knew

And to this day I think

Maybe I should tell

But deep down I know

It's better this way

I can't make you a victim of myself

And I've decided today

Never shall you know

One week down...

Whew...first week of college is over! It was both good and bad at times. Today was actually a not so good day. As much as I was looking forward to Friday...nothing seemed to be cooperating. I was excited to catch the bus this mornig to my first class so I wouldn't have to walk to the other side of campus with all my books, and of course it didn't show up. Then, at the end of the day I was tired as all hell, so I stand at the bus stop with a friend for what seemed like forever. The bus never came!!!! By this point I was pissed...but in the words of a wiser man..."I'm simply building character." Everday I grow from a new experiance, and everyday I enjoy the life more and more. I'm meeting new people gradually. It's cool to have some variety in my life. Friends that are all so different...it fits me perfectly since I'm the type of person that likes different people. There's so much to say since I haven't posted in awhile. I've been without internet for the week, and if you know me...MAJOR sacrifice there. Anyways...I'll just hit the other highlights of my week. I went to my first real college outting. Meet the Greeks...we had to dress up. It was nice to just be out and enjoying the evening. I had lots of fun. Once again I state that guys can be kinda dumb though. What's the deal with horny little freaks everywhere. Too bad I'm not really into guys like that. I like shy guys. I mean when there's a guy that's too aggressive, you know the second that you reject them they're going to to give the same old cheesy line to the girl behind you. That's just my openion though. Back to the "Meet the Greeks"...I wanted to pledge and be an AKA if anything. When they gave their speech I wanted to be sick though. Then I got to meet them, and the ones that actually did speak were treating you like you were a piece of trash...WHATEVER!! I don't have the money to spend on those little snobs. Now I may consider the Delta's...but I don't really know if I want to pledge at all. **New Story** I had a late night yesterday. Cleaned my sister's apartment, and entertained random people who wanted parking permits at the apartments. It was really funny when the one guy brought me chicken. Romantic huh? lol. His name was Jamal...nice, but kinda freaked me out a little bit. He wouldn't go home!! haha Anyways...I didn't get in last night until about 3am. Luckily I didn't have an early class the following morning. O, another thing...I almost got killed on the road today...some guy almost ran us off the road. It was really scary, so to anyone reading this be aware that Baton Rouge has some of the worse drivers in the country(that is a fact do some online searching and you'll see). Now anticipation of tomorrow's first SU home football game is kicking in. It's going to be a family outing this weekend(sister, cousins, brother, etc) Next game will be a different story I'm sure. Ahh, there's so much to look forward to, and I can say that I am truely happy with my life at the moment. I'm learning so much about who I am, and how to stand on my own two feet. I always believed that you would never learn anything if you don't step out of your comfort zone, and just becasue you're going to college doesn't mean your stepping out. When you take a chance, and know that you may have to stand alone for awhile then you know that you've truely accomlished great things. So far it's only been one week and I've learned so much...looking forward to upcoming weeks. I'm like a sponge...soaking it up!!;-) Hopefully I'll get to post sooner next time, and get some poetry up here also...I've been working on some stuff. For now I'm going to get some well deserved sleep though...goodnight!