Isolation leads to lack of self worth...depression

Where do I belong? There's no pride in my body, my mind, my soul. I just don't care about what happens to any part of me. I don't care where I end up from day to day. I'm strictly in survival mode, but to live life with no other goals from day to day is not the way a healty young woman should be living. Who knows this and understands this concept? I do, and maybe that's the worse part about the whole situation. The fact that I know what's wrong with me, and I just don't know if anyone else will fully understand. I feel like I have to hold everything in because no one...absolutely no one will understand me. I walk with my head down. I try to cover my eyes with a fear that they will tear up as I walk through a crowd were I feel totally awkward...like I just don't belong there. I'm literally trapped in a crowd of peers that don't feel anything like a part of me. Nothing about this life is appealing to me...except for one thing that I abuse. That one thing is physically breaking me down, and mentally wearing me out. I want to destroy myself deep down, but I don't want anyone to know that I'm feeling this way. I just strive to be a happy healthy individual, but I can't seem to do it alone. I know that a change of environment would help me, but I'm trapped in this world. I have no where to go, but walk outside my door into a world where I'm nobody. I'm nothing but an attractive female who can't come to terms with who she really is on the inside, and because of this I continue to sell myself short, only to be happy for a short time. If that's what it takes to get just a small preview of the happiness that so many people experience from day to day, then I've come to realize that it's worth it (somewhat). I don't want this to completely ruin everything I used to believe in (my future), and everything I used to work so hard for (my grades). It's so hard, because of what importance does this have when you're not happy with who you are and what you are and have become. I hate myself! I can't stand the person I am. Why can't I just be happy? I really don't understand why I am who I am, or why I do what I do...it brings me to tears to just be this unhappy just breaks me down, and quite frankly wears me out. I'm tired...not physically tired, but mentally tired, because I have to think so hard about the person that I am, and the person I want to become. More than any grades, or any academic achievements that I could ever have, I want to be someone who is comfortable enough in her surroundings that she can say what she wants, and be exactly who she wants to be, and not have to apologize to anyone from who she is as a person. I simply want to have the life that I don't have. How can you get out of a hole that's already been dug, and the dirt has been thrown over your head, and you just can't claw your way out because the weight of the world is already on you shoulders. I just need help...maybe a little boost to help me get out of this situation that I'm already so deep into. I just need a lift.

Summer reflection

It's been an entire summer since my last entry, and there's so many things that have happened to me in my life. I completed my summer internship at Duke University in Durham NC. For many reasons, it was an experience to remember, but for many more, it's one I want to forget. I survived so many incidents of indirect racism, being mistreated, and disrespected, and being treated with absolutely no dignity. I've been accused of commiting crimes that later it was found that I infact did not commit, and to this day, no apology was given for such actions. Yet, I do not wish for a half hearted aplogy, because that could never undo the pain, that has been inflicted upon me. I've already walked away with all the pieces of my life together, and a spirit that cannot be broken. Through all of this turmoil, I stand tall, and I remain a stable, black woman. I learned so many things about myself, and how I handle situations that make me uncomfortable. Needless to say, the experiences that I, as an African American woman stand to face for many years to come. Through the rough times, I will never forget the many people who helped keep me sane. I have so much respect for the people that were truely God sent, especially my two co-interns, Haja and Yolanda, who stuck by my side, when I didn't know what to do. People often called us the three musketeers, or the three amigos, but I call them my sisters!

During my summer, I knew God was looking out for me, because he sent me Ms Anne Jones, Ms Claire Hyman, and Ms DonnaMarie. All of these woman have influenced me in ways that they will never understand. They struggled and faught through heartships that I could not have even imagined. As I sat at the dinner table surrounded by such strong, intelligent, black women, I realized the strength and power I had inside of me. I learned more vital information from listening to every word that came out of their mouth than I ever could have ever learned in a workshop on poster presentations. They gave me the tools I needed to survive in a world where no one really cares about me. Words alone could not truely express how I feel about what they did for me. It's because of them, I conquered evil. A generic 'Thank you' would truely not be enough, but will have to suffice.

Not only did I survive my summer experience, but I also learned many things about myself. As I sit here on my bed, I realize that in order for my life to be complete, it must be 85% work, and 15% liesure. As much as I hate to work, I've realize that there's so much more of me that really loves it. It keeps me busy, and removes me from every situation that I otherwise try to avoid anyways. When I'm working, I'm too tired to worry about anything other than my work, and that's what keeps me content. As a 20 year old, I'm not sure how normal this is, but I remember always being a perfectionist, and since my work is something that I have complete control over, I feel most comfortable making it into exactly what I want it to be.

How could anyone be the same after seeing and experiening the things that I witnessed in such a short time. So through everything, I can truely and honestly say, that I am a changed person.