Two for one

Deep down in my soul I've been thinking about a relationship. It's been a long time getting to this point. A relationship was something that I dreaded and despised. I wanted my freedom, I wanted to take my time and find the right person. I still do not feel that the right person has come around. I'm certain that I don't want to be someones buddy anymore. I hate not knowing where he's at...and not being able to say or do anything about it. I hate not knowing who he's with and not being able to question his actions. I know he's not mine. What can I possibly say? I'm not somebody's bitch! That's all I have to say about that!

Stress

I feel stressed. Pressure in my head, and fatigue in my body. I want to know where this pressure is coming from. School has laid a huge burden on my back. It's weighing my down. Not much more to go...I'm almost there. Now the pressure of the future lays ahead of me. I know I can't stand being uncertain, and not having control over situations that directly affect me. My life, my future is in the hands of God. I simply can't be sure of what will come. I'm in waiting. Should I move forward with another endevor, or should I step back and let the Lord tell me where to go. Everything is so complicated. I just need a break! I want to give up, but for some reason; when I think I can't fight anymore, I realize that I still have a little more fight left in me. There has to be a reason. I honestly have no clue what the future holds, but when you hit rock bottom...there's nowhere to go but up.

A new plateau.

I am a compulsive, emotional eater. I am an emotional drinker. I am an emotional person. Everything that I do is based off of my emotions. Mainly when I feel bad, or sad, frustrated, or depressed. The fact that I've gained about 20lbs tells me that I feel a lot of these negative emotions...at least 20lbs worth. To realize that I have this problem and that i don't want the extra weight tells me that I also don't want to feel this way. I don't want to depend on something that I know is so easily accessible. I also know that no one will put me down for wanting a good meal. The fact that food gives me so much pleasure is really not a good thing. Realizing that this is my reality is a good thing. Wanting to fix the problem is also a good thing...
But the problem comes when I don't know how, and the fact that I doubt that I even can. It's so hard to do because if the void is not filled I don't know if I can even go on living life like a normal girl. The food would truely take away one of my biggest reasons for living. I want to live for me, but I don't feel that I have as much flavor, and color as delicious dishes. Food is so likeable. I don't want to feel this way, but I do want to be happy...and if food is the one dependable thing that makes me happy, then that's what I'll turn to. My place in this world is unknown. One day...if I'm not around, I hope that someone will read, and know that there was a girl who was truely lost, and hurt, and realize that the reality I live is not what it appears to be.