It ain't easy...

For a long time I've been trying to figure out a way to express these deep thoughts that run through my mind I must put them into words. I still can't find a way to speak my mind without sounding like someone I don't want to be. I have mixed feelings about this entry as I'm typing at my computer. The way I feel about this entry is that it is me, it's mine, and it's my personal thoughts. I need to get these things off my mind and no one...I mean NO ONE at this time will really understand where I am coming from. From this point on, I am disreguarding anyone else's opinion of me. So here I go...

My beauty is a challenge. I intimidate both girls and boys. I want several girlfriends that will be there for me, but most don't want me because they're are jealous. I can't help that they're jealous. Guys will always want attention from me. Some call me a pimp...and I am...but not by choice. It's a position I've been forced to be in, and my comfort level in this position has increased. I liked being a pimp. I still don't mind being a "pimp." It's a hard life to live, and generally it's not how I want to live, but I want to be happy and it's fulfilling a void that I have right now. I wish to change and I strive to be in a commited and exclusive relationship, but there's too much pressure that's pulling me in so many directions. As long as I stay busy enough to keep my mind off of all this then I will continue to fill the empty space in my life. So at the moment this leaves one simple solution...KEEP PIMPIN.

I'm overdue...

I have been neglecting my baby. I'm way overdue for a new post, and because of this I have a lot on my mind that I need to express through my words. Most importantly, my innermost emotions. I recently(refering to last night)had to check myself. I spoke to a good friend of mine about my actions to find out if something is wrong with my reactions and how I handle certain situations. To avoid being the "bad" guy, I almost alway try to be extra nice, and excuse foolish behavior. This past week has been a prime example of how I have been abused as a person. I don't want to get into details at the moment; maybe it's just too soon. So I will say that my trust and faith and overall belief in the morals of a supposedly "christian" man/woman is slowle being broken down. Being treated poorly by such a person has led me to believe that the people that I can depend on the most can quite possibly be the same person on the street who's selling drugs, and considering murder. That might be a bit extreme, but I guess I had to go there for effect and shock value. Chances are, if you're reading this, it worked. On that note, I must leave my computer screen and let that soak in. Not only for the readers, I know there my be few, but also for myself. I have so many thoughts running through my head I guess I just have to let them all soak in...so thank you and goodnight!