It's truely and honor...Jesus had to bare the load of the entire human race...

With the end of summer right around the corner I felt the need to document the beginning of my senior year in college. I know there are several changes that have taken place in my life, and there will be many more to come. Hopefully I can continue to adjust to the changes and learn from all the challenges that are soon to come my way. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. I continue to learn from experiences; some good, and some not so good. Nevertheless, I learn and grow from them. That is the best explanation I can muster up for my challenges. If at first you don't succeed...(you know the rest). I never realized how adventurous and STRONG I was until I sat back and realized all the mistakes that I've made, and how I've come out of them with more wisdom and knowledge than before. Earlier today I wished for a simple life, where I could wipe clean all the things I should not have done, and erase all the mistakes I've made along the way, but now I'm grateful for the challenges that have been put before me. Who would I be without them? How much weaker would I be, knowing that I had no experiences behind me to make me the person that I am. I'm only 21, and I have a story for every journey I've taken, and a powerful lesson I've learned along the way. Who knows, by the time I'm 65, I should be a wise old lady, who shares stories with all her grandchildren. Hopefully one day, I'll be able to look back on another 21 years of life, and be grateful for the mistakes, the accidents, the mishaps, and the disasters that I have been so honored to bare.

I want them to know (part 1)

My eyes closed shut, but...
Tears still flow.
Somehow they manage to seap through

This emotion is all too familiar to me
Yet I sit alone and repeat the story
In my head over and over again.

I only want to tell me story.
How can I be heard?
What do I say...where do I begin?

Everyone says actions speak louder than words.
Sometimes it takes drastic measures
What action should I take?
What action is loud enough?

So I begin to think...
I can comfort my pain with the life giving blood.
My sorrows will leave for a short time
...but I'm only speaking a mild wisper that many won't hear

Do I strip myself down to bare emotions;
Let you see my naked truth
While you try to clothe me again?
This is only a shout heard across the room...

So what can I do to get my point across?
How can I truely be heard?
I'm hurting
I need help...

What should I do?

What will I do?

Isolation leads to lack of self worth...depression

Where do I belong? There's no pride in my body, my mind, my soul. I just don't care about what happens to any part of me. I don't care where I end up from day to day. I'm strictly in survival mode, but to live life with no other goals from day to day is not the way a healty young woman should be living. Who knows this and understands this concept? I do, and maybe that's the worse part about the whole situation. The fact that I know what's wrong with me, and I just don't know if anyone else will fully understand. I feel like I have to hold everything in because no one...absolutely no one will understand me. I walk with my head down. I try to cover my eyes with a fear that they will tear up as I walk through a crowd were I feel totally awkward...like I just don't belong there. I'm literally trapped in a crowd of peers that don't feel anything like a part of me. Nothing about this life is appealing to me...except for one thing that I abuse. That one thing is physically breaking me down, and mentally wearing me out. I want to destroy myself deep down, but I don't want anyone to know that I'm feeling this way. I just strive to be a happy healthy individual, but I can't seem to do it alone. I know that a change of environment would help me, but I'm trapped in this world. I have no where to go, but walk outside my door into a world where I'm nobody. I'm nothing but an attractive female who can't come to terms with who she really is on the inside, and because of this I continue to sell myself short, only to be happy for a short time. If that's what it takes to get just a small preview of the happiness that so many people experience from day to day, then I've come to realize that it's worth it (somewhat). I don't want this to completely ruin everything I used to believe in (my future), and everything I used to work so hard for (my grades). It's so hard, because of what importance does this have when you're not happy with who you are and what you are and have become. I hate myself! I can't stand the person I am. Why can't I just be happy? I really don't understand why I am who I am, or why I do what I do...it brings me to tears to just be this unhappy just breaks me down, and quite frankly wears me out. I'm tired...not physically tired, but mentally tired, because I have to think so hard about the person that I am, and the person I want to become. More than any grades, or any academic achievements that I could ever have, I want to be someone who is comfortable enough in her surroundings that she can say what she wants, and be exactly who she wants to be, and not have to apologize to anyone from who she is as a person. I simply want to have the life that I don't have. How can you get out of a hole that's already been dug, and the dirt has been thrown over your head, and you just can't claw your way out because the weight of the world is already on you shoulders. I just need help...maybe a little boost to help me get out of this situation that I'm already so deep into. I just need a lift.

Summer reflection

It's been an entire summer since my last entry, and there's so many things that have happened to me in my life. I completed my summer internship at Duke University in Durham NC. For many reasons, it was an experience to remember, but for many more, it's one I want to forget. I survived so many incidents of indirect racism, being mistreated, and disrespected, and being treated with absolutely no dignity. I've been accused of commiting crimes that later it was found that I infact did not commit, and to this day, no apology was given for such actions. Yet, I do not wish for a half hearted aplogy, because that could never undo the pain, that has been inflicted upon me. I've already walked away with all the pieces of my life together, and a spirit that cannot be broken. Through all of this turmoil, I stand tall, and I remain a stable, black woman. I learned so many things about myself, and how I handle situations that make me uncomfortable. Needless to say, the experiences that I, as an African American woman stand to face for many years to come. Through the rough times, I will never forget the many people who helped keep me sane. I have so much respect for the people that were truely God sent, especially my two co-interns, Haja and Yolanda, who stuck by my side, when I didn't know what to do. People often called us the three musketeers, or the three amigos, but I call them my sisters!

During my summer, I knew God was looking out for me, because he sent me Ms Anne Jones, Ms Claire Hyman, and Ms DonnaMarie. All of these woman have influenced me in ways that they will never understand. They struggled and faught through heartships that I could not have even imagined. As I sat at the dinner table surrounded by such strong, intelligent, black women, I realized the strength and power I had inside of me. I learned more vital information from listening to every word that came out of their mouth than I ever could have ever learned in a workshop on poster presentations. They gave me the tools I needed to survive in a world where no one really cares about me. Words alone could not truely express how I feel about what they did for me. It's because of them, I conquered evil. A generic 'Thank you' would truely not be enough, but will have to suffice.

Not only did I survive my summer experience, but I also learned many things about myself. As I sit here on my bed, I realize that in order for my life to be complete, it must be 85% work, and 15% liesure. As much as I hate to work, I've realize that there's so much more of me that really loves it. It keeps me busy, and removes me from every situation that I otherwise try to avoid anyways. When I'm working, I'm too tired to worry about anything other than my work, and that's what keeps me content. As a 20 year old, I'm not sure how normal this is, but I remember always being a perfectionist, and since my work is something that I have complete control over, I feel most comfortable making it into exactly what I want it to be.

How could anyone be the same after seeing and experiening the things that I witnessed in such a short time. So through everything, I can truely and honestly say, that I am a changed person.

It's my Birthday!

May 1st, 2006!! I'm 20 years old, or should I say young! I have no real birthday plans...this is the first year of my life that I have nothing to do on May 1st! WOW! It's boring, but it gives me a chance to really think about some things. Specifically where I stand right now at this point in my life. I'm a 20 year old college student, and I'm bored! I'm doing boring things, and I'm with boring people. It seems that the word "boring" defines me and my life at the current moment. I guess I don't have to remain in a state of boredom, but it's just where I remain situated at this time. I don't think this is where I want to be right now. I've been known to take matters into my own hands in the past...why not now? I guess I feel that if I have to, then I've ultimately reached an all time low. What's the point of all this rambling?! I don't know, I guess I really am just bored, and it's reflecting through what I'm saying right now. BOREDOM!! I need a life again! Oh, since I'm feelin frisky...HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

Two for one

Deep down in my soul I've been thinking about a relationship. It's been a long time getting to this point. A relationship was something that I dreaded and despised. I wanted my freedom, I wanted to take my time and find the right person. I still do not feel that the right person has come around. I'm certain that I don't want to be someones buddy anymore. I hate not knowing where he's at...and not being able to say or do anything about it. I hate not knowing who he's with and not being able to question his actions. I know he's not mine. What can I possibly say? I'm not somebody's bitch! That's all I have to say about that!

Stress

I feel stressed. Pressure in my head, and fatigue in my body. I want to know where this pressure is coming from. School has laid a huge burden on my back. It's weighing my down. Not much more to go...I'm almost there. Now the pressure of the future lays ahead of me. I know I can't stand being uncertain, and not having control over situations that directly affect me. My life, my future is in the hands of God. I simply can't be sure of what will come. I'm in waiting. Should I move forward with another endevor, or should I step back and let the Lord tell me where to go. Everything is so complicated. I just need a break! I want to give up, but for some reason; when I think I can't fight anymore, I realize that I still have a little more fight left in me. There has to be a reason. I honestly have no clue what the future holds, but when you hit rock bottom...there's nowhere to go but up.

A new plateau.

I am a compulsive, emotional eater. I am an emotional drinker. I am an emotional person. Everything that I do is based off of my emotions. Mainly when I feel bad, or sad, frustrated, or depressed. The fact that I've gained about 20lbs tells me that I feel a lot of these negative emotions...at least 20lbs worth. To realize that I have this problem and that i don't want the extra weight tells me that I also don't want to feel this way. I don't want to depend on something that I know is so easily accessible. I also know that no one will put me down for wanting a good meal. The fact that food gives me so much pleasure is really not a good thing. Realizing that this is my reality is a good thing. Wanting to fix the problem is also a good thing...
But the problem comes when I don't know how, and the fact that I doubt that I even can. It's so hard to do because if the void is not filled I don't know if I can even go on living life like a normal girl. The food would truely take away one of my biggest reasons for living. I want to live for me, but I don't feel that I have as much flavor, and color as delicious dishes. Food is so likeable. I don't want to feel this way, but I do want to be happy...and if food is the one dependable thing that makes me happy, then that's what I'll turn to. My place in this world is unknown. One day...if I'm not around, I hope that someone will read, and know that there was a girl who was truely lost, and hurt, and realize that the reality I live is not what it appears to be.